My Mind Never Sleeps… not even at 3:20 AM
Current mood: tired
Category: Life

Like I always say: “My life is an open book.” (And I’m pretty forward with everyone about everything, if you know me well. And I’m not shy.) Well come on in and take a look around in my weakest moments. I know I jump from one idea to the next, but deal with it! This is just really what was on my mind. Here it goes…

I keep tripping and stumbling
over and over on the same thing!
I overcome my weakness once
Then in the next moment of temptation I yeild,
Give in, and will ultimately fail.
In the very second of a perceived triumph
I will allow the voices to set in, and justify any actions I could make.
What is it I am really trying to gain from my own ignorance?
(That is really just a pretend, made up game
that I play over and over in my head to validate my doings.)
I just keep falling, face first into this deep dark
black hole that I know all too well.
It will consume me and swallow me up over and over
until I never again will see the light.
I have seen this place too many times to count
and it will undoubtably take its toll every time without fail.
No matter what I try to pretend.
Why can’t I get past this and just move forward?

There is a saying, when you feel every time you take one
step forward you are really moving two steps back.
This vice I have is very alike. Although when I take one step forward
I am discovered, uncontious, lying in the street, three miles back.
I know where my true destination is,
but I’ve lost the directions that lead me there.
I have become what I never wanted to see in the mirrior.
Someone who knows right from wrong then blatently
chooses to do evil, when she knows what greatness
and peace comes from choosing the right.
I have become weaker than I ever thought I could possibly become.
I hide from myself and my current state whenever my conscious
comes for questioning. Thinking that I can rationalize my choices to the point
where they do not come around to haunt me in my sleep.
But even when I try to sleep, the voices return and scream
terrible lies into my head to keep me in bondage to them:
“You horrific failure! Look what you have done!
You of all people should know better. And now it is too late to undo
this unforgivable, selfish pursuit! You will never be better than this!
No matter what you try to tell yourself to fall asleep at night.”

It is true that I have everything, So why do I need this?
I don’t! And I have to face it and fight rather than run away
like a foolish, idle coward who wastes his days
by running from his inescapable and inevitable destiny.
Maybe I am afraid of my potential?
What if the thought of what I could be
frightens me beyond all belief and capability.
Even the mere thought of success we humans are always running from.
How can we run from something that we don’t even know?
Why do we fear what we must become?
And when will this ever end?
When will we finally accept our eternal fate before it is too late?
There comes a point where we must consciously choose
what we want our name to mean to the world
and what we want to be remembered as.
What picture do I want the gods to paint of me in the stars?

Where do I want to end up?
And how do I get there?
I have all the questions. I’ve received the answers.
And now I have the difficult task of action.
Taking my knowledge and experience and putting it to use.
Failure is not an option when dealing with a eternity.
Like the greeks said: “What we do here in life, echos in eternity.”
We will be remembered for who and what we are,
Not by who or what we intended to become.

Okay. So this actually is a bit more dramatic than how I actually feel. But it feels better to avoid my own story sometimes….nah, I told you my story I’m not avoiding nothin’! I just exaggerate. And this really ended up being something completely different than what I wanted to bring up…Like three different things engulfing my head right now…..

You guys are awesome! My family, my friends…. love you ALL!!!!!