3/23/2006

This is the Place

This is the Place:

Where I belong.

And where I am supposed to be.

Of all the places I could be in this world,

I am in the most appropriate, correct one

Right now. In this very moment.

This is where I really do need to be.

And I swear by the stars, and the moon

That I will never again wonder,

Or question, or forget it.

Because this is the place.

Where I am meant to be.

I know it. And can feel it.

It is an indescribable peaceful feeling.

Knowing I am doing all I can do,

That I am being all that I can be.

My Light really is real.

And is continually burning brightly.

All the days that I allow it to be.

This is the Place.

This is the Time.

This is the Moment.

This is the Truth.

This is the Beginning.

This is the right place.

For me to be.

(Originally based on a dream I had.)

The Race (3/21/2006)

They all move ahead of me in the game…

I still remain, lying on my back in the middle of the green summer grass…

Gazing into the stars as the midday rapidly turns to night.

I talk with Draco, Cassiopeia, and Cygnus and marvel in their inspiring magnificence.

We discuss exciting topics of truth, beauty, faith and hope.

I can trust them not to betray my most secret desires, ambitions and beliefs.

(For they have none to tell but themselves.)

My own stars and faithful friends would never betray such allegiance to me.

And all the universe may know of such lovely things save but my own world.

For in my own world, They are not as honorable in their requests as for these stars.

They carry no respect or reverence for such secrets;

For they are too prone to weakness and to the thoughts of other men.

That they would betray in the moment of perceived trust and awarded nobility.

The others continue to run around me,

Some stop to mock me then get passed up by another fellow player

And scoffed falling ignorantly behind the passing participant.

They say terrible things and likely not in jest, it seems.

“You silly girl! Why do you stay about and not be like all the rest?

You shall never become like we are, no matter how you try,

You will never be good enough! You will never fit in,

And you will never be the same as we.”

They continue to taunt and laugh and never tire.

I sometimes wonder why they are all going. It is said that there is a grand party

Only the accepted and likable people with the same,

Clone beliefs and desires will be in attendance.

I can see the flashing, gorgeous lights in the distance.

I hear singing and laughing and all marvelous chantings.

But still I remain unmoved and wait.

Enjoying and bathing in my beautiful surroundings

Of which I am comfortable and secure with.

I wait for something that I do not know of,

And I know that it will surely come.

The stars dissolve in the sky above,

A very cold, thick fog sets in engulfing the entire land.

I have lost sight of the far off flashing lights

The group becomes silent, and there is not a sound in the hills.

Then it all occurs as though a slow motion reoccurring dream:

Panic of an unchartable amplitude sets in.

There are many cries, shrieks and moans.

The piercing rattling of such pain and fear pulsates through my skull

And seep deep into my skin, carving its tragic tale into my heart.

I cannot move, I cannot do anything.

How could you, Oh Men, Have forgotten about all else, Save but for yourselves?

Oh the selfishness of trivial pursuits that leave you with nothing of worth.

How can you not see that they will all abandon you in the end?

If the race is on….

Then I consciously choose not to compete.

It’s sad really. How someone like you can just walk away from this so easily.

Without a thought, without a care, without looking back.

You really don’t get it and don’t ever care to.

You will die alone and uncared for in return.

With only your own regrets and pain to keep you company, and keep you warm at night.

It’s called karma, it’s real, and it’s out to get you.

It’s sad really, That you will never really get it.

MARCH 12, 2006

Careful

I’m cautious

And never about to disregard

What a horrible mess I’ve been through.

I won’t soon forget what brought me where I stand today

Don’t plan on replanning, reliving, rebuilding that plane crash one more time

That will never be me, ever again.

Not a circumstance would qualify,

Not “just once” would ever do,

Because if I haven’t learned by now,

I am an insane, ignorant fool!

The same equations equal the same outcomes.

And that is never a place I ever want to be.

And if I have to spend the rest of my days running and avoiding.

At least I would not have to spend it in unconscious remission.

(I’d rather be alone and okay,

Than spending another wasted day on someone like you.)

Mar 3, 2006 9:48 AM
Subject: GUESS WHAT TODAY IS!!!????

It’s my half-birthday!!!! YAY!!!!Party tonite!(And yes, I do celebrate my half birthday and I have for years!!!! And I ALWAYS dress up pretty like a princess!!!)

Happy twenty and a half to me!!!!!!!

3/01/2006

“You’ve Got The Wrong Girl!”

I knew what I was doing,

I didn’t allow my emotions in on this one.

And I played pretend with love.

But then things got out of hand. And you thought this was it!

And I was her.

And we were real.

But it’s not!

                And I’m not.

                                And we’re not.

You have to get this and agree….

                                                She’s not me!!!!

                                                And I’ll never be her.

                                                                And we will never be.

(This is a twisted and absurd game we play…Who’s turn is it to roll the taped-up, broken dice? In the game of pretend that we consciously choose to continue to play.)

It’s not going to work between us.

So why am I still hanging on,

With both hands for dear life?

I gathered you all together today, like this to let you all collectively know the truth I’ve been hiding:

You

Are

All….

A complete,

Waste of my time.

Thank you.

Good Luck.

                And good day to you all.