September 10, 2006 – Sunday

Holes…. Current mood: contemplative Category: very very exhausted….far too exhausted to even f Life NOT particularly based on anything I really feel at this present moment, But I’ve wanted to write something about this for some time. I did write a bit of a song about it and a few other random writings but nothing that I am really satisfied with as of now. And to be honest, I’m actually not completely satisfied with this, But I can always make modifications…. Anyway, This is how it goes so far….   FACTS ABOUT HOLES: One involuntarily acquires a hole as a direct result of loosing someone very important to them. Whether that person departed their life through death, moving away, breaking up, letting go, or even running away….It is all too simple to attain a hole as an outcome. A hole remains until something can mend and heal the hole until only a small scar remnant can be found where the large, gaping gash once was. Even when a hole is healed you can still run your fingers along where the large scar remains and still feel the terrible, incredible, and at times crippling, sensations of what the wound once felt like. You can temporarily cover your hole up, or satisfy you emptiness with Replacement Therapy. Which many pshycologists and therapists will agree is not a very healthy or beneficial way to deal with your hole. But it is one way that will numb the pain away for a period of time, And allow you to feel more alive and whole again in spite of the tremendous pain and heaviness you are feeling at the time.   Good Luck with each of our individual holes everyone! I hope that we can all find a way to remove them from our lives and replace that void with something healthy and something we can hold onto….If not, Than I hope that all our Replacement Therapy, and attempts to numb this terrible parasite, go well.

Friday, September 1, 2006 1:52 AM

To go through all your old Inbox messages and see all the people you used to talk to and stuff…..and like, crazy enough…I was tallying up a bunch of these…. and like nearly all the boys I talked to are married now….

Yeah. Weird. I know.
Seriously, when did this all happen…?

But Still,
I’m FREAKING TWENTY-ONE!
I can’t stop thinking about it….
(My vision keeps getting worse every year and pretty soon my limbs will start falling off)
I mean 21 yr old single female in Utah Valley means that you had better be about to serve a mission or have some very good excuse as to why you are single….
And prob that you’ve got a severe personality defect or somethin to prove why you are still not married…..
Least that’s what they want you to think…
Why is that so stressed here?
Like GETMARRIEDGETMARRIEDGETMARRIED
24/7
I know we are all sick of hearing it. And by telling us that doesn’t necessarily make the whole thing that much more appealing.
Maybe if they told us not to get married or something than we would be more inclined to do so.
I mean,
Anything that is forbidden is that much more appealing…
And I know everyone can hear me on that one….
Kinda like the big shiny red button on an airplane that says,
“DO NOT PUSH”
written on it.
It’s seriously nearly impossible not to push it!
The curiousity, the wonder, the power that just three words can have such a great impact on you.

Maybe I solved my own problem through talking it out.
Perhaps ‘Twenty-One’ doesn’t mean what I think it does.
Maybe its just a term society uses to tell you how many birthday candles you should have, or to know how many rings on a tree trunk there should be in to equal your years here in life thus far.

Maybe society labels us all with years in order to have some sort of control on the way we act.
Sixteen- Your maturity level is able to handle driving a motor vehicle.
Eighteen- You can now vote your President into office and we sure hope that you are smart enough to elect one with half a brain. Oh….and PS you can be an adult now.
Twenty-One- Well we sure hope by this age that you are wise enough to decide not to drink, but if not. We won’t hold drinking underage against you any longer and do hope that you are at least smart about being stupid. (If you catch my drift.)
And if it were a contest. I am sure that I would really be found to act over the age of twenty-one so I think I am right on schedule. (Well….least I act older I guess.)

Okay…So I’m just going to stop thinking about it now….(Holy Crap I wrote a lot on the matter!)
Now I’m going to go to bed.
I’m going to sleep as a Twenty year old now.
I am going to still feel twenty for the remainder of my time as a Twenty-year-old. And enjoy every moment of it.
And you can all be there when I freak out this weekend at my B-day party when I have my nervous breakdown and wrinkles start popping out all over the place and my vision depleats even more and I have to start wearing Trifocal Progressive lenses and wearing my moo-moos to pick up the paper in the morning and complain about the corns forming on my feet….
Will you all be there to help me get out of bed when I cannot anymore?
Will you hire a nurse to take care of me and feed me Jello through a tube and give me sponge baths?