November 27, 2006

Sometimes when you think about it all,

And take in all that it is and all that it isn’t

The end result leaves you feeling sick to your stomach

And feeling feverishly foolish about the things that have gone on.

and left wondering how you’ve even made it this far in life

with all the heartbreaking things you’ve had to endure.

Here I sit one year later, and in the same predicament:

Unloved by the only one I hope and pray so much I could have.

True this year it is someone new and someone better and a different situation,

But it is the same story with an identical ending.

My future is so predictable because history always repeats itself.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin to finally break this vicious, recurring cycle.

November 27, 2006

Why do you still continue to haunt my nightmares after a year?

Haven’t you taken enough from me?

Now I can’t even have my most private, fearsome moments

Of my slumber be with out your poison.

I’ve given you what you want, Now leave me in pieces

Now please leave me with what I have left to recover in peace.

Don’t take what I have left… It’s all that remains of who I am.

It will never be enough with you,

That’s why you left me isn’t it?

Because I couldn’t be that that never ran out of invented things to give you.

November 27, 2006

Sometimes when you think about it all,

And take in all that it is and all that it isn’t

The end result leaves you feeling sick to your stomach

And feeling feverishly foolish about the things that have gone on.

and left wondering how you’ve even made it this far in life

with all the heartbreaking things you’ve had to endure.

Here I sit one year later, and in the same predicament:

Unloved by the only one I hope and pray so much I could have.

True this year it is someone new and someone better and a different situation,

But it is the same story with an identical ending.

My future is so predictable because history always repeats itself.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin to finally break this vicious, recurring cycle.

This is really the end, Isn’t it?

This is really the end, Isn’t it?

This is really the end, Isn’t it?

(November. 12, 2006)

(Honestly, this is all over the place.. and I don’t even know where these things come from, I just write…)

The class drifted on,It was always my favorite because you were there near me.

I would absentmindedly twirl a handful of hair through my fingertips and stare absorbedly into space.

And when I thought it was safe, I would look to the left, through a pale, yellow painted window in the front of the room, the one that reflected your face and your burning, piercing eyes full of life…

Still to this day, I never get caught staring into them while painfully trying to search your brain for answers.

Will we ever find what we’re really looking for?

We may never know, and we may never see the real results when looking at the beginning trying to find an end…

But simply put, we’ll make it back again, as we originally promised and stay away from the breathless dark of the night.

To watch it all dissolve in one clear moment of sharp flight, and see the whole world disappear from beneath us, and continuing on this uncharted, unexpected journey to an unknown existence.

Your unclear, open ended thoughts never tell me what I need to know.

(They just leave me more mixed up and unorganized than before.)

Tell me what you think of this horrible place, and what happened to our freedom?

Will we ever escape this and be whole again?

Will the voices stop catching up with us and free us from our eternal bondage or pain and torment?

And will the broken pieces of our hearts ever grow back together and mend as though it never before occurred as broken?

Will we ever lay on the grass and bathe in the sunlight and let it dry us out?

The buzzer rang suddenly.

Your hand was as cold as we raced to the only exit.

The walls crumbled all around, and white, salty water rushed to greet us.

This sent us spinning in circles, wading back to the tides, hastening back to its maker in the middle.

It all happened in slow motion; One second became One minute; One minute became one hour.

As we became one with the enemy, and revisited our worst fear.

But it was better than that… much more simple and less formidable than anticipated.

(I knew this was the way it would end. And I was glad that it was with you.)

And because of that very fact, I couldn’t be afraid…

The mermaids and fishes surrounded us, entangled in their ways…

Will you dance with me once more on this strange aquatic stage?

As we float away into the unknown, hand in hand, and enter the final fade…

goodbye

It’s Only November; How Does Time Work? (November 6, 2006)

(I don’t know… I don’t even understand this all myself when I read back through….It’s a random un-edited freewrite)

Is it wrong to be just so way mixed up inside that you are not even able to breathe correctly?

To be so afraid of tomorrow but more afraid of worrying about existing through today?

What if we all could just be, and not fear?

Would the world be that much more clear?

And simple, and pleasant, and peaceful, and quiet.

(Not to mention safe)

How could the world still live and continue, and just slip from my grip and fall to the floor in such an unrecognizable movement;

Does it really just fall through the cracks that quickly and without warning?

And how could He just find her in this mixed up world but feel nothing to leave me?

Is this really not about Her and just a game to Him to outrun me?

A game where the players and pawns always outnumber me…

How could one pretend to just move on?

While never letting go of something bigger than us all?

So large and so perilous but too sacred to him though he cannot keep it.

He guards it so watchfully and carefully though it was made of porcelain and could be stolen at any moment in time.

What he does not realize is that sometimes our most favorite sins are the ones that kill us get us killed.

Without fail, we will always loose in the end against these terrible odds.

So keep your secrets guarded,

And hold your loved ones close.

For the time shall come when you will forget what really matters in the first place,

And I will not be coming back to save you again….