Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE Celebrity Gossip… Especially Celebrity Trainwrecks. So because it’s almost a New Year… Here are my Celebrity Oriented Predictions for 2010:

MARRIAGES:

Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush – It’s about time you guys…

Britney Spears & Husband # 3/4 - No surprises here…

BIRTHS:

Miley Cyrus – That skank is bound to be a repeat of Jamie Lynn Spears…..YOU ARE barely 16 Years OLD!!!!

Britney Spears – She’s overdue to bear the obnoxious fruit of another white trash man….

Heidi Montag - YUCK! That kid will be just like his parents and encompass all that is wrong with spoiled, careless, bitchy Americans… Thanks for making us look bad you guys!

Khloe Kardashian – Newly Wed to Lakers, Lamar Odom. The couple had a recent miscarriage this Fall and are “working on making it happen”.

DEATHS:

Prob no one THAT cool… most all the Celebrities died in 2009 anyway. Though I do think that it’s not going to be a very good year for Amy Winehouse… She’s overdue to meet her maker for all the crap, pills, booze, STD’s, etc that has been circulating her system all these years….. But I think the most dramatic way she could go would be if her frame became so frail that her hair would get so full of birds nests, leaves, dirt… etc that her neck eventually can’t support it and it cracks under it’s own weight and kills her….

TRAINWRECK OF THE YEAR NOMIATION:

Lindsay Lohan – You never cease to disappoint.

The below content belongs to TheOatmeal.com – One of my fave LOL sites….

Now… I love the Twilight series… But I love sarcasm and I totally laugh along with some of the humorous puns on this series… Sure Twlight kinda does teach you that a 107 year old vampire dating a 17 year old girl is perfectly normal… and no it’s not glorified pedophile-ing in my mind… But I can totally see why people say that and I will definitely laugh along with it…

THE OATMEAL EXPLAINS: HOW TWILIGHT WORKS

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy – where you know it’s bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I’ve been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II New Moon’s release, so I thought I’d break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn’t described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward – a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this “empty shell,” the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I’m going to refer to her as “Pants” from here on out.

So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand – and you’ve got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward’s appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression “Edward’s perfect face,” and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color – even his damn breath (I’m not joking).

Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she’s bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure – a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.

So what about men that like Twilight?
If you’re male and you like Twilight, you’re gay. I don’t mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the “you want to put your testicles against another man’s testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair” kind of way.

And the movie?
The movie is just the same uninspired crap shat out onto a film reel. If you like the taste of horse manure on your bologna sandwiches, you’re probably gonna like it on your birthday cake as well. The same principle applies with Twilight.

Beyond that, it’s just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bullshit peppered here and there. It doesn’t really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits. There’s lots of nervous lip-biting, tender kisses between Pants and Edward, and lengthy descriptions of every feature of Edward’s body. Pants is a static character who never really progresses beyond being an insecure vampire fangirl who obsesses over Edward. Whether her character grows beyond that is unknown to me, I’d stopped reading by then and shifted my attention to an electric butt-massaging chair in Sky Mall.

This was written and illustrated by The Oatmeal

Is it possible that no matter how hard you try… How much faith, sweat, tears, and life you put into something…
Building something, a Purpose, that is worth dying for to defend…
Is it possible that it could all just be a hoax and the Puppet Master on the other side is really just mocking you?

Ouch.
I didn’t think I could let this cut get so infected…

I don’t really know another way to put this… Hopefully Michael Crawford can sing me to sleep tonite….

Tomorrow is a new day. And I’ll be okay… Better even.
I’m still thankful for the ride right? Always…